Setting intentions can be a powerful way to improve your relationship by reflecting and re-connecting as a couple.

If you had a baby in 2024 or in recent years, you’ve undergone a significant transformation, both personally and as a couple. If you have an infant, the last months have likely been full of incredible changes and learnings as you settle into life as parents, and may have also brought some newfound feelings of separation and resentment between you and your spouse. The start of a new year can be a wonderful opportunity to suggest to your partner that you sit down together and reflect on how things have been going, both on a personal level and as a new family, and how you might like to work together to make any tweaks to make things go more smoothly or feel more connected again.

Here are three intentions couples who are new parents should consider as we begin 2025.

Put your partnership first

When you bring a new baby into a family, it feels natural to put all your focus on them and caring for their needs. This is why many new parents fall into the trap of de-prioritizing their relationship, which often leads to feelings of loneliness and resentment from one or both of you.

An important intention for new parents who notice that they’ve de-prioritized their relationship is to intentionally agree to put your partnership first. You are together, as a team, against the world, no matter what – and that includes putting your partnership before the needs of your baby. This feels radical! It might even feel wrong or bring up feelings of guilt or anxiety. However, this intention is actually in the interests of your child – happy parents who operate as a team foster happy children, and if the mother or birthing parent, especially, feels supported, it will only pay out in positive ways for your baby.

If you’re able to put your partnership first, you’ll find a sense of togetherness, security, and perhaps even a realization that this commitment to each other means you’re no longer on your own anymore. This realization comes both with support, and responsibility. It means listening to your partner and their needs, and honestly sharing your needs with your partner.

In order to commit to this intention, I recommend scheduling regular “relationship check ups” with your partner. Afterall, you likely decided to become parents because you wanted to do this as a team, so it’s a great idea to take time to intentionally revisit this idea as you continue through different stages of the journey. Explore how best to support each other and your child and commitments you can make to do this.

Make implicit agreements explicit

Oftentimes, we go into big life changes with a certain vision of the way things should go. Many couples leave things under assumption as they enter parenthood, including how family life will be, how household and childcare duties will be shared or outsourced, how career prioritization may change, or how to include extended family members like parents and in-laws in your new family life.

This vision is often formed in each individual partner without overt collaboration as a couple. I often see couples come to therapy frustrated with their partner’s lack of commitment to their own individual vision, only to discover that this was something they either never explicitly discussed or haven’t discussed since the very beginning of their relationship. They also sometimes realize that their vision has changed since becoming a new parent, and that’s not a conversation that the couple has actually had together.

It can be helpful to take inventory of any expectations you have that you may not have fully communicated to your partner. Consider if some of them may have changed or if you have formed new ones since you’ve become a parent – this is actually quite common. Then, once you’ve done your reflection, invite your partner to do the same, and set a time to share these with each other, collaborate, discuss, and formulate explicit agreements about how your family operates. This can include tactical agreements like home and childcare responsibilities, or more “big picture” ones like future holiday traditions you’d like to set, or your family’s vision of work-life balance.

Be curious

All couples fall into entrenched relationship patterns after some time together. This often leads to each partner making assumptions about the other and their mindstate, and couples tend to feel like they can read each other’s minds. Especially during times of significant transition (like entering parenthood), it’s so important to stay open and curious about your partner, and not assume what they’re thinking or feeling.

A very typical example I see when I work with couples in therapy is one partner assuming the other is mad at them when the other partner is upset about something completely unrelated. Couples are often surprised when their assumptions about each other are off-base when they begin to talk about this in therapy.

By being curious, you have the opportunity to ask your partner what’s going on in their internal world, invite them to share their feelings and feel heard. By staying curious and inviting your partner to share, you’re increasing emotional intimacy, which increases feelings of connection. A simple “I’m noticing you seem tense/distracted/frustrated, is there anything you’d like to talk about?” can open this dialogue. Continue to stay curious while your partner shares, avoiding taking anything personally, as much as possible.