Can you baby-proof your marriage?

This article was written by Molly Nourmand, LMFT for Saint Single Mothers Collective

As a Perinatal Psychotherapist, I provide 1:1 and group support for women transitioning into motherhood. When my clients are pregnant, they typically think of taking classes to prepare for birth, breastfeeding and baby care; however, what may not be on their radar is having a conversation with their partner about what their duties and responsibilities will be once the baby arrives. (Night feedings, anyone?) Yet even if they do have this discussion, similar to a birthing “plan” things don’t always go according to your parenting “plan” either. So how can you protect your marriage after you become parents? Here are some gems I’ve collected over the years that may help bolster your changing relationship:

Don’t make any drastic decisions within the first year after birth
When you become a mother, you may feel the urge to move back to where you’re from, chop off all your hair, quit your job, or leave your husband. You are not alone in having these impulses post birth. I usually say to my clients and group members (similar to the first year of sobriety) the year after you have a baby–don’t make any major life changes. The reasoning behind this is your identity is shifting, so it can take a while to adjust to the role of mother and meet the new you. This means that any major decisions you make in early motherhood can be something you may later regret. Once you have gotten that first year of your baby’s life under your belt, and are getting longer stretches of uninterrupted sleep, you will be better able to handle the stress of taking on life changes. That said, there are exceptions to the rule, so if it’s necessary for you to make one of the aforementioned changes, then just make sure to enlist extra support. 

Having children can put a strain on your marriage
Former First Lady, Michelle Obama, shared in a 2023 interview that she couldn’t stand Barack for 10 years of their marriage when their girls were young. Heck, there’s even a book, called: How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids. This may be a relief to those who want to avoid divorce at all costs. On the other hand, it may be horrifying to others who refuse to be miserable in their marriage for an extended period of time, much less for a decade of your life. It is really a personal choice as to whether you can hold the hope for your relationship while weathering the childrearing storm, or if you would prefer not to muscle through an unknown number of bad years of your marriage.

But shouldn’t we stay together for the kids?
Economics professor and author, Emily Oster, recently shared some research-based insights and strategies for parenting through divorce, “The good news is that the way parents manage the divorce process has a far greater effect on their children’s well-being than the mere fact of the divorce itself. In other words, it’s the how, not the what, when it comes to divorce’s impact on children.” 

The contemplative phase of divorce
When you see someone in your Instagram feed announce that their marriage is ending, it may feel out of the blue; however, there is typically a contemplative phase of divorce, which lasts about 3 to 5 years. It's a time of introspection and deep grieving, and can be very isolating. Which is why it’s important to acknowledge your ambivalence about your relationship, then seek support to counter any shame you may feel. Seeking out support does not mean you have to get a divorce, or stay with your partner–instead it can help normalize your experience so that you feel less alone, and perhaps even give you some clarity on what direction you want to take.

Resources

Community + Mental Health Support
Saint Single Mothers Collective Circles
Life After Birth® Therapy: 1:1, couples + group therapy for expectant + new parents

Books
How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn

I Want This to Work: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating the Most Difficult Relationship Issues We Face in the Modern Age Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT CGT

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, by Esther Perel

Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live) by Eve Rodsky